I posted this on my Instagram a few weeks a go and I wanted to share it on here too. Anyone else been through deconstruction?
For the last little while I’ve been trying to come up with a way to say what I want to say without being judged. But I’m realising that I will be judged no matter what I say so I might as well just try and articulate my feelings the best way I can.
What I am going through is deeply personal and not something I feel I owe to anyone to share however I do feel as I have shared my faith lots on instagram and have people thinking I have “backslidden” or “fallen away” that it might be helpful or even interesting to some of my followers to read. Over the last few years I have undergone a huge shift in my beliefs, perspectives and core values. A process of dismantling everything I have been taught not to question over the past 15 or so years and rebuilding my faith based on what I truly believe. I no longer describe myself as a Christian. However, in many ways I have never felt closer to God.I no longer believe in lots of the staple parts of christianity as I’ve known it in the past. I’ve begun to have real doubts and questions and my research led me to realise I never knew the Bible or God as well as I thought I did. The more I studied, the less I knew. Questions created more questions. However, I feel close to God, I love God. I believe fully in Jesus and his divinity and seek to emulate him in all I do. However, I am realising that the gospel is more inclusive and radical than I ever imagined and that is what I want to base my life on. My views have altered and I imagine throughout my life they will continue to do so. I guess many would call me a “liberal” but I prefer not to label myself. This process of deconstruction has taught me so much and I’m not done yet. I know I will never fully walk away from church but I don’t know if I can fully go back in the way I used to again. But that is the beauty of this constant growth: change is inevitable and shouldn’t be feared. You may not agree with me, but I ask you to respect my views. We don’t need to fear people who relate to God in a different way than we do.
I want to clarify that I do not blame any singular person, church or organisation for the pain or hurt I’ve felt. Rather it is an amalgamation of the culture that has co-opted Jesus’ message and twisted it. I believe I have been put on this earth to love above all else and I will continue to do so. Some really helpful people to follow regarding all this: @evolvfaith @sarahbessey @byjeffchu @phildrysdale @nakedpastor